I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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