Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Randomize
