You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.