I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.