why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Contemplating These 27 Questions Will Make Your Brain Explode
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
25 People Confess The Most Shocking Things They’ve Ever Seen In Public
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"