So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Don't say a word.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...