"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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