Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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