My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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