My first STD was from a foam party
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
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