My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Randomize
