if i can run in heels then i can drive
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
