Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Randomize
