he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
