Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
