Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
how drunk are you?
Several
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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