I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
