i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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