im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
