I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
