I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
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Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
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After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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