I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Randomize
