your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
where are you?
Hypothermia
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
