Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
