sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize