I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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