I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Actions speak louder than pants.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
