I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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