can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
