Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
