my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
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