I think I died a long time ago.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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