My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
