I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
