now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
My cat gives me a boner
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
