A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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