I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
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