i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Randomize
