You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
She has the best kind of daddy issues
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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