Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
