it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
