Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
