At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
