Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
