look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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