Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
