I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
