3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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