Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Randomize
