haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
50% drunk capacity currently
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I have already put on my inside pants.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
