I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Randomize
