I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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