I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Randomize
