The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Couch. On fire.
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