3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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