New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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