I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Houston, we have a blender
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Randomize
